by Chris Philbrook
In this issue of Zombopolitan Magazine….
What kind of zompoc reader are you?! We took a survey of a few people who reader the zombie genre, and came up with these handy-dandy reader categories!
Which are you?!
The Prepper: You only read post-apocalyptic fiction looking at it like it was a training manual. You hunt and scour every title’s pages for tips on surviving the inevitable EOTWAWKI scenario, which you are likely prepared for. You own more guns than you’ll ever need (but maybe…) and you are looking forward to the day when government collapses and you can tell everyone that you told them so.
The Gunporn fan: Sig Sauer (decocking lever, no safety). Colt. Smith & Wesson. Beretta. Armalite. Springfield Armories. Suppressors (I’ll cut you if you say silencer). Extended magazines (don’t you dare call them clips). Glock (no safety or decocking lever). Close Quarters combat tactics. Bad mission planning. Ammo hoarding. 5.11 tactical gear. This is your language, and you seek out those who speak it in volumes. And boy… are you pissed when something is written wrong.
The Goreporn fan: Entrails twisted around the fingers of the undead monster as its gnashing teeth sank deeper and deeper into the ripe, tight muscles of the neck of its victim… You like it (love it) when it’s gross. You want death and dismemberment of the highest body count possible. You tell your friends about passages in the hopes they turn away in disgust as you laugh. You want to find that book, that mystical tome that will actually make you uncomfortable. You’ve yet to find it.
The Rubbernecker: You like reading about the end. Secretly (or maybe openly, if you’re a real weirdo) you enjoy consuming stories that talk about the end of society. Reading about the grocery stores being looted, and people stealing and killing their local enemies with complete freedom entertains you to no end. You don’t actually want to loot, or kill, but one day, you’ll be really excited if it all happens. For like, five minutes, then you’ll realize danger is terrifying.
The Veteran: People are idiots. Most writers are idiots. Anyone who served in a different branch of the military than you is also an idiot. (But God forbid a POG/CIVVIE say something about them.) You read zompoc because you’re desperate for a decent tome that writes military men and women correctly, and until you find that book, it’s fun to bullshit with your friends over how bad the writers keep getting it.
The Emotional Reader: You seek true, emotional experiences from the genre. You want family dynamics, drama between survivors that shows the depth and breadth of the human experience. You want to feel the loss of a treasured character, and ride the wave of excitement when they succeed, or survive. If a sex scene between the manly lead, and his true love he found after they haven’t showered in three months happens, all the better. If there’s a strong female lead having sex with her trusty male sidekick, you’re a true reader, as there aren’t enough zompoc books with strong female leads.
The Literary Critic: You don’t actually read this genre, as it’s below you. Zombies are so… blasé.
And as for me, the author of this article, and compiler of this data… where do I fall in?
The Parent: You have a young child, and have almost no time whatsoever to enjoy anything other than time with your kid.
Who are you?!
Check out The Shed by Chris Philbrook.